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You know Wayne every week when i do marriage seminars. I do about 30 seminars a year all over the country. There’S saturday events. Every saturday i have half a dozen people come by and say to me things like you know we were that close to divorce. Somebody gave us your book, we read it, it made sense, we tried it, it turned our marriage around.

What have you got to lose right? Absolutely you know, and so yes and the book is just filled with these kind of stories – you know of course, and and but but every week i hear that and to me it’s so encouraging, because it says to me that the book is continuing to speak to People people are still discovering this book, you know after 16 years they’re just now discovering and it’s that’s new to them and when you do discover it and apply it in your marriage, it makes a tremendous difference in your marriage. Gary tell me more what goes on inside you when you hear people come to you and say: god has used your book this way in my life, but for both you and your wife, because this has been a team project hasn’t it well, it has been, and You know my wife and i originally wanted to go to africa. That was our goal: to go to africa and teach in a seminary train national workers, how to reach their people for christ, and we were turned down because of my wife’s health and they said she would not survive in another country. Well, you know she’s done well through the years she’s learned how to cope with things and she’s done well, and we were very disappointed.

It was very disturbing to us uh, but then, as the years went along and i began to write books and so forth, you know they send us all the editions of all the foreign. You know send us copies of that. We you’re fluent in all those languages. Yeah right people think if i write in their language i can read their language, but you know, but my wife and i pray for the countries and we pray for the books when the books come in and i don’t know two or three years ago we had Opened up a box of books and i looked up at my wife and she was crying and i said carolyn. Why are you crying?

She said gary? I’M just remembering we wanted to go to the mission field, and now your books are all over the world, and it was just that moment of you know in which we just realized the sovereignty of god over our lives. He had all this in mind. You know when we were turned down for the mission field. It never crossed my mind to write a book.

In fact, it never crossed my mind to get into counseling either god had a better idea. God has a way of channeling our lives. Where he’s prepared us to minister, when i went to college, i never thought about going into counseling. In fact, when i was in graduate school in seminary working on my phd, they didn’t even have a ph.d in counseling in seminary.

They didn’t have a master’s degree in counseling and seminaries, so my counseling, i learned after i got out of school after i got my phd. I learned how to counsel, and so my phd was in adult education. How do adults learn, you know, but i got into church and i found out, people are hurting in their marriage and they want to talk about it, and so i i read everything i could and learned everything i could and all of my counseling, you know came Out of the now the foxhole very interesting um, i’m sure you talk about this in the book, but what, if uh a husband and wife aren’t on the same wavelength at all? And let’s say the wife picks up this book thinks this is great, wants to implement this, but her husband’s not cooperating. Well, you know i find that often in my counseling a wife will come alone or a husband will come alone and say my husband will not come for counseling.

He won’t even read a book, he won’t even talk about us and they come very defeated, but they come also asking. Is there anything i can do and what i’ve done? Many many many times through the years after i’ve heard their story and felt their pain. I share the concept of the five love languages and how all of us desperately need to feel loved and that, just as the wife feels unloved sitting in my office, the husband probably feels unloved too he’s at home. But he won’t come for counseling, but he doesn’t feel loved either he’s clamped up a bit yeah right, and so i share with her that concept and that the most powerful thing we can do for another person is to choose to love them in their language.

Over a long period of time unconditionally, no matter how they respond, no payback, no payback at all, just don’t expect anything, and over and over again i’ve seen those husbands or sometimes it’s the wife who melts when they start to get love in their own language. You know i remember years and years ago a wife stopped by my office and she said i’m on my way to the to the lawyer’s office. I don’t know why i came in here. I know i’ve heard about you. I knew this was where you worked and i just came in to see if you’d happen to be free, and i just want to say i don’t know, i don’t know why i came here and then she poured out her story of a husband who basically had Neglected her for 20 years, she said he works all day.

He has an automotive shop in the backyard he works on cars in the evening one night a week. He goes out with the guys and drinks he doesn’t get drunk, but he comes home and she said he expects me to have his meal ready every night. He expects me to have his clothes clean. He expects me to have sex with him at least once a week, and that’s all there is to it.

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